Demotivational Poster: Performance

Looking at the numbers ....

Looking at the numbers, I fell off my chair. Right from the beginning, when he was hired, it was an accident waiting to happen. As it turned out, it was more like a disaster, if not a tragedy. Since coming on board, it has been downhill all the way. Talking isn't good enough. You have to deliver and in that aspect, he has failed miserably. Did he say he has twenty years plus of experience? Twenty years of experience is no better than one year of experience repeated twenty times. Need I say more? If he is that good he would have stayed in his last job. Today, that company is doing so much better. The results really speaks for itself, with him and without him. But then again, some people just don't learn. And this is the guy who boasted that he was headhunted by a Dubai firm for a million dollar job. Keep dreaming. Now, who has that last laugh?

You can get on with charm .....

Telephone manners. Some have them, some don't.

Saturday, 5.30 pm. The phone rings.

“Hello, The Bistro, how may I help you?”

“I want a reservation at 7:30.” a gruff cell distorted voice barks.

“How many in your party?” I reply sweetly.

“Two.” I can hear car horns honking in the background

“Let me see what’s open sir, one moment.”

“I want the table in the window. I’m a friend of the owner.” he says. (The reader will note the absence of the word please)

This guy is probably shit out of luck. The odds of getting a reservation at this late hour are slim to none. His only hope is a last minute cancellation. I look at the reservation slots on the computer screen.

There, shimmering like an oasis in the desert, is an opening for the best table in the house at the H-Hour of restaurants the world over, 7:30 pm. This guy is lucky. My finger moves toward the screen to begin entering his information.

“Hurry up I haven’t got all day.” the man snaps.

My finger stops in midair.

Getting in touch with my inner asshole I say, “I am terribly sorry sir but we have no tables available at that time.”

“Whadyya mean it’s not available?” the man practically screams

“The table has already been reserved. I’m sorry.”

“Well move them and give it to me.” the prick says huffily.

“I cannot do that sir. Perhaps you would like a reservation at ten o’clock. That’s the next available opening.”

“Put the owner on the phone right now.” the man yells.

“I am sorry but he is indisposed at the moment.” I reply.

“Give me his cell phone number then.”

“I’m so sorry but I am not allowed to give out that number.” I say unctuously.

“Listen I am a good friend of Flavio. Put him on the phone.”

The owner’s name is Fluvio. Some friend.

“Like I said he can’t come to the phone right now. Since you are his friend I am sure you won’t mind me telling you the correct way to say his name. F-L-U-V-I-O.”

The man abruptly hangs up.

Fuck him.

A few minutes later a very young man walks in the door holding some flowers. He wants to take his girlfriend on their first real “grown up” date. He asks if we have a table. He is polite, says please, and man he looks sooo nervous.

“How’s 7:30?” I ask smiling.

“That would be perfect.”

“I’ll put you in the window. Very romantic sir.” I say with a wink.

“That’s very cool thanks.” he replies gratefully.

Later they come in holding hands. She is thrilled with the flowers and the table. They order the cheapest entrees and suck down Cokes all night. They smile happily, talk in hushed tones, and look only at each other. I was the waiter. The tip was pretty bad. On the way out the girl slips her hand into the boy’s back pocket. Soon they are kissing on the street corner.

I watch them as I collect my meager tip. I am happy. Tonight this young couple will be making sweet love while the asshole on the cell phone explains to his wife why they are eating pizza.

All is right with the world.

2009 Chevrolet Camaro

Combining dramatic design and exciting performance, the Chevrolet Camaro Concept recaptures the spirit of one of the most popular sport coupes of all time and redefines the Camaro for new generations of fans.

The Camaro Concept embodies the performance and passion that have made first generation Camaros some of the most sought-after collector cars, updating the formula with a fuel-efficient powertrain, sophisticated chassis and contemporary design execution. The goal is to make the sport coupe relevant to younger enthusiasts while retaining its appeal to its current fans.

Got this in an email and thought I'd share.

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the r eply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. Sigh.

Will I live to 80?

Some times you just have to ask yourself " Will I live to be 80?"

I had a medical checkup recently and after some exhaustive lab tests, my family physician said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
fishing or relaxing on the beach?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a shit?"

Deja Vue

Sigh .... the duck drowned again.

Tsk, tsk ... just like watching a rerun of Perry Mason's "The Case of the Drowning Duck."

Ha Ha Ha .... I was that blonde!!!

I got this from a woman named Marianne in Costa del Sol, Spain

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

HA HA HA HA..... I WAS THAT BLONDE !!!!!!!!

Thanks for a Nice Flight

Licking the boss's balls

Chinese Sub Pops Up Undetected Near U.S.S. Kitty Hawk During Naval Exercise

An unexpected visit by a Chinese Submarine that went undetected in the middle of a Pacific Ocean Naval exercise and came extremely close to the U.S.S. Kitty Hawk, has American military chiefs looking for answers.

The sub was apparently able to slip past at least a dozen U.S. warships, two U.S. submarines and a vast array of advanced technology, which failed to detect it.

When the Navy deploys a battle fleet on exercises, they take the security of the aircraft carriers very seriously. At least a dozen warships are used to provide a physical guard, and using advanced technology they are able to detect and deter any potential intruders.

By the time the Chinese sub surfaced, the 50m. Song Class diesel-electric attack submarine sailed within viable range for launching torpedoes or missiles at the U.S.S. Kitty Hawk, a 340 m. super carrier with 4,500 military personnel on-board.

According to senior NATO officials, the incident caused a sense of sudden fear in the U.S. Navy, as officials realized the seriousness of the encounter. The U.S. apparently had no idea just how sophisticated China’s fast-growing submarine fleet had become, or that they even posed such a threat.

Analysts believe that China was sending a message to the United States and the West by demonstrating their rapidly growing military capability to threaten foreign powers that might try to interfere in their own “backyard.”

The U.S. Navy and Nato are now forced to re-think their strategy, and reconsider the level of threat posed from potentially hostile Chinese submarines.

Juche Girl on her handsome Great Leader

I am not into politics but I guessed this blog by Juche Girl makes interesting reading In one of her postings, she wrote about how handsome her North Korean Great Leader, Kim Jong Il is. Kim Jong Il (below), yes, that podgy short guy who is the North Korean dictator. She said, "Bush is ugly but Dear Leader is very handsome the most in the world." Grammatical errors left intact. That thread attracted 18 "rebuttals" which I thought were funny and hilarious. These are some of them.

Mel Reynolds commented, "Handsome? The guy looks pretty ugly to me. And he doesn't dress that smartly either (there's a picture of him in which behind him are a bunch of military people with him front and center wearing a coat that you could find in any American store.)"

Reader Shaken has this to say, "Dear Leader is very short, and getting pudgy. Is he getting enough exercise? Is he eating too much? It would be good for Dear Leader's health to share some of his food with the starving children in North Korea."

A woman reader Catherine remarked, "Ummm... you guys must have a different definition of "cute" or "handsome" out there in North Korea. Whatever America's problems might be, at least they know what a "cute" guy looks like!!!!!!!"

However the honors for the best bashing came from one DG who retorted, "Yeah, he's a real chick magnet! My great grandmother (age 102) agrees with you Juche Girl, although I must admit she has never seen him with her glasses on yet."

For more on Juche Girl, please log onto her site.

A Glimpse of Pyongyang, North Korea

Pyongyang is the capital of North Korea, the world's most secretive nation. It is still one of the few countries in the world where socialism is still practiced.

This city of 4 million people sits on the Taedong river and is the regime's showcase to the world. Government propaganda machinery portrays it as paradise on earth, a spotless city where the population enjoys the fruits of the Korean revolution.

In Pyongyang, the streets are spotlessly clean. One gets to see very little cars. The only modes of transportation appears to be buses and the subway. This is one city where monuments are aplenty and they are of monstrous proportions.

On board Air Koryo, the North Korean national carrier. Air Koryo flies Russian Tupolev planes.

Pyongyang International Airport

Pyongyang with the Taegun River in the foreground.

A 35 meter statue of the Great Leader, Kim Il Sung at Mansudae

Kim Jong Il inherited the dictatorship from his father, Kim Ii Sung when the latter passed away in 1994.

A Robotic Woman Traffic Cop.

There are no traffic lights in Pyongyang.

Trolley Bus in Downtown Pyongyang

Lone traffic cop in the middle of a major junction.

Probably one of the world's costliest architectural disasters, the Ryugyong Hotel.

Another view. 100 floors, totally deserted. Now a derelict.

Taedong Gate.

"Arc d' Triumph", only larger than the one in Paris.

A car going past the Arc d' Triumph! A rare sight indeed.

Worker's Party Monument.

The Jurche Tower.

Murals depicting North Korea's history.

Monument for Korean Unification.

Kim Il Sung's Square just like Tien An Men Square in Beijing only smaller.

Propaganda Billboard.

Metro in Pyongyang.

Boating in Taedong River.

North Korean children on excursion.

There are about 25,000 apartments on this stretch of road but no cars.

Another housing estate in Pyongyang. Again no cars.

Pyongyang Skyline with the Ryugyong Hotel standing up like a sore thumb.

A well known Pyongyang restaurant famous for cold noodles

Captured American spy ship on display, the USS Pueblo.

Koryo Museum, Kaesong.

Mausoleum of King Wang gon, Kaesong.

Thongll Street, Kaesong near Panmunjom.

Another view of an almost deserted street in Kaesong.

North Korean waitresses in a restaurant.

Royal Lunch in a Thongll Street restaurant, Kaesong.

Almost deserted highway from Kaesong to Panmunjom.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 44 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, 'HONEY, 44 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL.

NOW I HAVE A $500,000.00 HOME, A $45,000.00 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 65-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS.'

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN. SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD GAL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?

THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISES.