Football finally makes sense ......

A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it", she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just cannot understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like.... Hellooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!"

5 Sexual Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire

Guys there are certain things you can do to make a woman swoon. They aren’t difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of…and I have quite the imagination…

So. Are you ready? Are you all that is man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on….

Technique #1 : Wet Hands

Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.

• Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don’t want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
  
  
• With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
  
  
• Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
  
  
• Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.

Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby

This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys… It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black “wife beater” shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?

• Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to.
  
  
• Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
  
  
• Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.
  
  
• Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.

Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game

This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin’ your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o.k. until the end.

• You will need two piles…no I did not say poles, I said piles.
  
  
• Put everything white and light colored in one and everything dark colored in the other.
  
  
• Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative…use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
  
  
• Add the light pile. Close the lid.
  
  
• Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish
  
  
• Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water.
  
  
• Quick note: If your wife is screaming “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Don’t stop what you are doing..that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.

Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down

This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can’t say no to this.

• When you put the toilet seat up….put it back down.
  
  
• Every time.

I know…I know.. you almost can’t take any more verbal titillation. Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible…it definitely saves the best for last.

Technique #5: Tonight It’s Oral Gratification

This will take some time to master. Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it. If you all ready know this technique you should be using it to it’s full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.

• Learn to cook a whole meal.
  
  
• When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
  
  
• While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn does not count)
  
  
• While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to technique #1.
  

Good luck guys.

Peasant Girl: My life is miserable because I am poor.

On September 6, 2008 a poster named 我是农家女 (”I Am A Peasant Girl”) was posted on Sina: “Late 70s Peasant Girl’s hopeless survival, would rather be a mistress than marry a poor person.”

China is the world's fastest growing community. However due to the size of the country, progress may not come fast enough for the people living in the remote stretches of the country. Some in our generation may not even see the change that is going on. Below here is the story of a woman who grew up in the remote village that is devoid of any progress whatsoever in today's China. It is a heart rending story and it makes us think how fortunate life is for people living in developed countries.

I know that after seeing this topic, you will all scold me, but may those who have the energy to scold me please carefully finish reading the content below, then consider if I should be scolded.

I was born in a remote hamlet in the north of China. I have heard from someone, who never been to the genuine villages, that the countryside is very nice. But in fact, no public road was built and the nearest bus stop is 20 kilometres away, so we always had to walk on foot or ride a bicycle to get out of the village. The street in the village was made of soil and was not flat. On a sunny day, wind with sound and soil blew you. On a rainy day, rain with the mud poured you. The mud on the road was added with shit from animals raised by villagers, because animals always shit on the road but not in their own country yard to keep it tidy and clean. No fresh vegetables were supplied to the villagers in the whole year because only radishes and cabbage were planted there. It also had sweet potato, if that is a vegetable. So, as dishes, what they could have were only salted radishes and cabbage. Some may ask, why did we not fry? The truth was that there was not much cooking oil for frying because of poverty, so fried dishes were always rare for them except in the case of Spring Festival or when some relatives come for dinner. I remember I had my first “you tiao” [a fried bread stick] in the dining hall at my university. And health care was not ensured either. Take my grandpa for example, he couldn’t help but wait for death once he fell sick. After he was sent to the hospital ran by the State, they refused to diagnose my grandpa even though we knelt down begging them to cure him. The reason was simply because we did not have 2 yuan for medicine. We could do nothing but see my grandpa die in the hospital. Some may say that the countryside is developing these days. But the truth is that there has been almost no change for my village since I was born. I really cannot say whether change will happen or not in my life.

I was born at the end of the 1970s. We had 5 children, including me, 3 sisters and 1 brother. Some people may wonder why my mother had so many children if my family was so poor? These people may not understand China clearly. These days, only really poor people or rich people can have more than one child, and we belonged to the poor group. In the countryside, in my opinion, there are 2 reasons for having more children. First, no entertainment in the countryside. So after working in the daylight, sometimes having sex on the “kang” (bed made by soil and brick) at night may be the only amusing thing for them. Although they did not want more children, no one told them effective means of contraception. I saw with my own eyes that my mother wanted to abort using tied rope or eating tobacco ash for contraception. The second reason was the traditional concept and environment of the countryside. There must be a man in every home because working in the countryside is so hard that only men can deal with them, so people in the countryside always held the concept that birthing a boy in every generation is necessary for the continuance of the family. If you could not give birth to a boy, you would be looked down upon. Before my brother was born, my mother was always looked down upon by my family members, I was always hit by other children and had the nickname of ‘jue-hu-guo,” meaning “no boy no generation continuance.”

The goodness of the farm is not what you think because of the poor and narrow opinions of countryside life. At that time, there were several children in every family, and every child struggled for subsistence without caring for others. I remembered that when I was 5 years old, my parents had gone to work farming, I took care of my sister at home, and one of my neighbours came to borrow a kitchen knife but also secretly stole a dinner pan. After my parents came back, they found the pan missing, so they went to that neighbour, but failed to get the pan back because my neighbour refused to acknowledge that he took the pan away. The result of this was that I was beat fiercely by my parents and we cooked without the pan for a long period.

And another time when I was 9 years old, I saw a sister-in-law in my village stealing the cotton from my uncle’s field, then she was caught by my uncle and warned that he would show villagers what she did. In order to prevent this, she promised that she could have sex with my uncle if my uncle would set her free. Then my uncle had sex with her in the field. I did not know what they did when I was 9 years old, but after I realized the meaning of what happened, it made me feel sick every time I thought of it. But, in the end, what they did was discovered and spread in my village. My uncle probably told some people, but that sister-in-law thought I had told my mother and that my mother spread it to the villagers, so she came to the gate of my home and scolded for several days. After that, I was beat by her on my way home and she hurt my mouth. When my mother asked what happened with my mouth, I lied that I was not careful and had a fall. I did not think to tell them the truth because I was afraid that my mother would go quarrel with her and cause a bigger conflict. I knew that, at that time, it was difficult for my mother to raise us. In brief, there are good people and bad people anywhere, and farmers are not synonymous with goodness either.

I was the first and only female undergraduate in my village. As a girl, it was a miracle that I could get into university from a place where boys could not always get an education. My father made all of this come true. My father is a veteran, his outside experiences led him to send me to be educated. His original intention was that I could read the characters and distinguish the toilet. At that time, we had to go to the school approximately 10 kilometres away. There were dozens of children for primary school, but after graduating from primary school, I was the only one that persisted with studying.

I had 2 reasons for that, one was that I had worked so hard. I always represented my school to compete with others from primary school to middle school, so my father might get the hope of getting out of the countryside through my excellent performance. Second reason was that when I was in school, I could do some work made of grass at the same time. We called it “cao-bian,” which can be used for the straw making. In that period, a “cao-bian” could sell for 0.2 yuan, and I could knit 5. I never did my homework or notes in class, I earned money when I was at school. This is another reason that I could continue my education. But my 3 other sisters paid the price by dropping their studies for my continued education. My youngest sister went to the brick plant with my father to carry bricks, my thin and weak father pulled the handcart and she assisted him by pushing it. They had to carry the brick to the place 2 kilometres away, and the whole process only could earn them 0.2 yuan.

Then I went to middle school. I lived at school and far away from home, so I stopped knitting the “cao-bian.” I was always the youngest student, because I had skipped several grades. I was also mature for my age because I knew that it is very difficult to get an education, and if I could get out of school early, I could start earning money earlier. So I got into campus at the age of 16.

I chose to go to university because of the existing financial support from the government for students in campus. If you could get a high score, you could pay less for your education. I could get 40 yuan to 60 yuan for living expenses every month. I spent nearly 600 yuan when I got into university. A fat pig my father had been raising for a long time was sold for this 600 yuan. If it was like the present standards, it would have been impossible for me to continue my campus life at that time. Although I got 50 yuan every month, I could save 20 yuan to post back for my family. I ate very simply every day, I never bought clothes and wore the uniform every day. I never used makeup either. The campus life made me realize how degrading being poor was. I had no friends on campus, first because I was younger and did not have similar topics with my dorm-mates. We rarely had a chance to chat with each other because I always came back to the dorm late after working to earn money to live. So, it might be unbelievable to you that I did not recognize all my classmates completely in 4 years’ studying, but this is the truth. They were enjoying their lives on campus but I was making a living. Second reason was the different experience of growing up. At that time, usually only those whose families were well-off could get into university, so my classmates could not understand my life and also looked down upon my dress. I remembered that a mother of my classmates even demanded to adjust the dorm for her daughter, since she thought her baby daughter could not live with a little beggar like me. In fact, my clothes were not dirty, they were tidy and neat but old. I had a strong capacity for self-care, I knew how to dress up myself and clean my clothes, but I was so poor that I could not buy new ones. What I wore was usually given by my relatives. And if it was unsuitable for me, I would pitch it and post back home for sisters. Some clothes had to be re-seamed for others, such as underwear, if it became old. I was good at sewing and I even sewed a beautiful skirt for my sister out of a sheet thrown out by my classmate. The fine working made those who ever looked upon me all supposed that it was as same as the one they bought.

The governmental policy changed when I graduated from university scarcely. They would not take responsibility for the jobs of graduates who had to find jobs by themselves. It was impossible for me to go back to my home town, first reason was that I was no longer suitable for the life of the countryside, another one was that I would be a negative example for the villagers: 4 years’ learning in city resulted in nothing but going back home. This would be their excuse to persuad their children to drop learning. I had to live in the city, and it was impossible for me, not like others, to find a suitable job slowly. I had to find a job that could offer me dinner and a place to live, since I had no money in my pocket and I mustn’t ask for money from my family either, I had to earn money by myself. In order to earn money, I changed several jobs and cities. My mother needed money for medicine, my brother needed money for learning and my sister needed money for skill learning. But, I found what I earned was not enough and was not very much, even thought I was very thrifty.

My brother’s high tuition fees of 10 thousand yuan scared me and my family extraordinarily. We could not get the certificate of loan because the village head did not want to attest to our poverty. Only those who were orphans or only had a single parent without self-reliance could get the certificate, but my family did not belong to those categories because I had graduated from university and had a job to earn money. In fact, the reason of this was so simple. The village head envied 2 undergraduates in my family and he deliberately wanted to make it difficult for my family because he was always the king of the village. I could not borrow money from my neighbours firstly because they were so poor too, second because they were not fervent and kind-hearted in that kind of environment. If you were poorer than your neighbours or relatives, they would look down upon you because they were afraid that you would come to borrow money; but if you were rich, they would come to please you for benefits from you. My family was poor because of the high tuition fees of my brother. Guys without education went out to work for construction and earned some money, and if it was busy in the village, they could come back for busy season. But I and my brother could do nothing after graduating from university because we had not enough power to do some works in the countryside.

After that, I followed my father to the university where my brother was studying and brought some presents to seek help from the vice-chancellor. He promised us to let us pay the tuition fees by stages. However, the money was not enough either. At that time, I feel how difficult a person subsisted, I even thought of suicide. I just wanted to study hard to find a good job and earn money for my family before, but in fact, a girl from the village, without good-looks and English skills (in schools of villages, English was not a course), trying to find a good job was so difficult. I was not willing to indulge myself, so I felt everything was meaningless without aims. The idea of suicide always emerged in my brain, but if you wanted to die, you had to choose some way that benefited yourself. In order to get enough money for my brother and my family, I could sacrifice my life. Finally, being hit by a car was my choice. In a tangled street, I found an expensive car to collide with, I also put my ID in pocket, if this would come true, my family would get some compensation from the owner of the expensive car who would never care about it. This idea, however, was so impudent, I did really. When I went to collide with the car, the driver stopped his car quickly without injuring me. Instead of dying after being hit by a car, I was beaten damnably by him. But after his angry hitting, he took me to the hospital. What I said may be beyond someone, but everything I have described is the truth, I described the whole story so simply, but this is the truth and most valuable memory in my life. The driver sent me to the hospital and asked me if I wanted to die. I nodded my head and told him my story, then he gave me five thousands yuan and left. This was the man I met who helped me the most, I did not know what his name was or what he did, but I always wanted to find him to thank him. But before I found him, he was detained by police for drug trade. I got his name after the police came to find me when investigating him, and the name I will remember for my whole life. Please do not suspect the truth of this story, though I may not have described everything very well. After the case was published on the local newspaper I knew he got life imprisonment, and I remembered the police that investigated me. Then I went to jail to find him, I got nothing but was conned 100yuan by the police who were working in the jail. Up to now, I did not know the place where he was kept.

I am in Shanghai now, I came here because I heard the salaries here are high. But as a girl who is from the countryside, nearly at the age of 30 and without English skills, finding a job with high salary is almost impossible. Even as an officer in a company, the salary was only 1800 yuan without bonus. I share a rented apartment with others and have to pay 600 yuan every month for it. I also had to post 800 yuan to my family and that left me 400 yuan for my daily life, including dinner, traffic and others expenses. In order to save money, I always have one meal a day. The most terrible thing for me is being sick. Once I had fallen sick, not only did I lose my salary, I also failed to pay the rent and medicine cost. The medicine cost in Shanghai is high. I fainted and was sent to the hospital because of malnutrition. After I got to the hospital, I woke up and the doctors said I was OK. But doctors checked me a lot and gave me a bill of more than 1000 yuan. It really was a dreadful bill for me. Now, I lost my job because of China national identity card. I was fired during the Olympic Games period because I got my national identity card when I was in school and now it is expired. I even went back to my village to keep my hukou, but they refused me for the reason that my hukou did not belong there because of my education. Then, I went to the town for that, but I got nothing either. So I just have the hukou booklet which cost me 200 yuan. Without a job, my financial resources will be cut off and I may be evicted by my landlord since I cannot pay the rent, and I may die of hunger. Before my death, I summarize my miserable life was just because of poverty.

I rented an apartment with 3 other girls when I first came to Shanghai. But we have completely different lives after several years. One of us has become a concubine to a man from Hong Kong. She lives in a top house, wears famous brands, has expensive dinners, and she gets spending money of 10,000 yuan per month. Another one went on the streets in the night clubs. She will not worry about her bread and cheese, however, being a prostitute is always disgusting. The third one married a guy from the countryside, they worked hard together and earn 5000 yuan a month. Although they have to rent an apartment, they feel happy. Their biggest dream is to earn enough money to buy a house in their hometown. It is just a dream to buy a house in Shanghai for them. But now, her husband is ill and was fired by his company. He is recuperating at home now. There are no safeguards for people who do not belong to this city so she has to pay the rent, water and gas fee. She also has to spend money for her husband’s medicine with her little salary. Working during the day, washing and making dinner at evening, the difficult life changed her a lot. They do not dare to have a baby because they can not afford the cost of raising a baby. It is so hard for her but her husband’s mother always asks for money, because it was very difficult for his family to help her husband graduate from university, so they need her to return what they have paid for that. This girl once told me that if you want to marry, you had better not marry a poor man, because 2 poor people will only get a poorer life, so you should marry a man who has an apartment and you would not have to fear eviction at any time. I am not a concubine because I have no chance to be. But if someone wants me, I think I will be a concubine for him. What I ask for is not so high, I just want to find a place to live and have every meal. I think this is better than a prostitute.

Note: These images are not related to the above story, poster, or comments. They are from a series of pictures titled on QQ News in 2007 called “The real lives of the poor people’s children.”

Gantry along Interstate 90

Registration - All time Record.

A Dog named Sex

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong girl." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my husband and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my husband and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my husband and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Same here!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I can't live any longer being so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look lady, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."

Retribution

The Chinese believes that whatever harm you do to others will invariably affect your next generation. Hence, you get this "big ghost and small ghost" in there.

This is Karma. Karma can come back to you at any moment.

Sometimes your Karma comes back to you Instantly.

A Paper 2002 Beetle

It must have been the Seventh Month or what when you get to see things you don't normally want to. This morning, I stumbled onto something dirty, a paper 2002 "bitch" color Beetle with evil on board. The Chinese have this saying, "The Good shall prevail and the Evil, good riddance to it."

Expired Parking

When her meter on life runs out...

This bitch had a great sense of humor and wanted a parking meter on her grave that says "Expired".

Well, here is one from eBay!

A dumbwit of a fucking boss

In all my twenty five years of automotive selling, I have encountered some good and bad bosses. Some I worked with are either utterly incompetent or fucking morons.

I had this one superior who came to work every day always past eleven in the morning. He would call his managers at lunch time like as if to him lunchtime is nine in the morning. He forgot that he comes to work close to noon. He also ensures all his staff clock in with the punch card machine at nine in the morning while he is still stretching himself in bed.

This particular idiot of a boss abhors "remote control management" from his managers and yet he himself would stay away from office during the weekends only to call in to ask how many cars have been sold. That's some dumbwit moron for you.

He smokes in his room knowing well that it is against the law to smoke in an air conditioned office and at that with his poor pregnant secretary sitting just outside his door. Does he care?

This same guy also got one of his managers to queue up for "ba kwa" during one Chinese New Year. Mind you, that "ba kwa" was for his own personal consumption. Why would any fucking idiot abuse his powers like that?

It's interesting to note that when his managers left, he was left to feign for himself only to get the boot after some dismal results. He asked to prolong his departure as he was waiting for his PR application. Months later, he took the company to court with a bonus claim. How's that for gratitude?

He even went as far as getting three witnesses to prove his point the dismal results were not his fault. None of them seems interested in supporting his claim. What a loser?

The old adage holds true, the higher you are the harder you fall. Today, the high and mighty have fallen badly and he's made to eat his humble pie. His fall from grace has been well celebrated albeit he is still complaining that his ex company has not given him a farewell party.

Really when you look at all the companies he has been with, you will understand how pathetic his track record is. What has he achieved insofar? To add insult into injury his ex company is doing so, so much better without him.

His ever popular three big boasts has always been, "I don't need to work," being headhunted by a Dubai company for a million dollar job and 20 years of car business experience. Well .... for that number one boast, he is still working, two, not for a Dubai company but one with a pay cut and a designation drop, and last but not least that "Twenty years of experience is no better than one year of experience repeated twenty times."

That's management for you. Come to think of it, I am into the belief you don't need brains to be a boss. Any asshole will do. It looks like very soon he will be driving a cab. This sad loser sucks big time.

240-mm Multiple Launch Rocket System MLRS

Crew 3
Dimensions and weight
Total weight in combat order 24.56 t
Overall length 6970 mm
Chassis length 6970 mm
Overall width 2970 mm
Overall height in on road position 2620 mm
Armament
Caliber 240-mm
Number of loading tubes 12
Salvo lasting time 48 s
Reloading time 5 - 10 min
Combat Load
Combat load missiles
Missiles weight 258.5 / 307 kg
Maximum flying range 32 - 40 km
Minimal flying range 2 km
Mobility
Engine power 500 h.p.
Maximum road speed 65 km/h
Autonomy on roads 485 km
Maneuverability
Slope 30°
Vertical step 0.9 m
Ditch 2.5 m

The bitch is bypassed again

So for the third time, the bitch has been overlooked. They have promoted another manager instead. It shows how much the management thinks of her, especially when you start to think of the amount of people who have left because of her..

Insanity

Talking about the dried fig of a bitch .......

Breaking News. Big Butt not promoted.

The Big Butt is not promoted. She is still the ASM and they are looking for another manager. The management isn't stupid to hand it over to her. That'd be suicidal. I should have known better cos don't anyone knows she is the biggest political bitch and a great manipulator cum bully? An angel in front of the management and a asshole of a bitch with her subordinates. That's the quote from her contemporaries. Up to now, politics are still rife and people are still leaving the company. It's becoming like a zoo. All because of "one fuck of a woman." The March figures speak for itself.

Butt's Management

Bitch got promoted?

So, the slut got promoted. How did she do it? By crying her crocodile tears? Threatening to leave? That must be the biggest joke of the year given that I have the most complaints against her and I am holding all the letters. However, when you think carefully, nothing is impossible there. They change managers like they change underwears, two managers in a space of six months. Doesn't that tells you something? If they think getting a good manager is so easy to come by, they must be out of their "towgay" minds. Tsk, tsk.

Well, God better bless that company now that the fucking "tum" bitch is at the helm. Looking forward to see how she fuck it up.

Show me someone who has good words to say about her. Even the ones who were close enough to her has no fucking good words to say. Manipulative, scheming, a big bully and cunning. Now do we know why everybody has left? What a fuckin' bitch! But then again, she will dig her own grave. Stay tuned.

Big Butt looking for a job!

So, I heard the big butt has been looking for a job and has been unsuccessful in one interview attempt. Well, with her reputation as a super bitch, she is going to need a lot of luck. She is a leftover and we are not talking of food. Stay tuned for more.

Demotivational Poster: Hypocrisy

The Devil.

When misfortune strikes, the Big Butt Bitch will receive her comeuppance.
(This picture comes from a guy Sinsong)

Four Management Lessons I Learn

Lesson Number One
A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy". "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Three
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The Hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. Promptly, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Lesson Number Four
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold that the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped a load of hot, steaming dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of shit, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung. The cat promptly dug the bird out, killed him and ate him.

Management Lesson: Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. Not everyone who pulls you out of shit is your friend. And when you're warm and happy in your pile of shit, keep your mouth shut!

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder:

Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When Saint Peter shows up, they asked him.

Saint Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking some what bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" Saint Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

Facts You Probably Don't Know

If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (Oh my God...!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew...? Who cares! )
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?)

Test for Dementia

Below are four (4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question: Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.

Robert De Niro as a Car Salesperson

A Zen Story

Two monks were once traveling together down a muddy road. A heavy rain was falling. Coming around the bend, they met a lovely girl in a silk kimono and sash, unable to cross the intersection.

"Come on, girl," said the first monk. Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over the mud.

The second monk did not speak again until that night when they reached a lodging temple. Then he no longer could restrain himself. "We monks don't go near females," he said. "It is dangerous. Why did you do that?"

"I left the girl there," the first monk said. "Are you still carrying her?"

Ethnic Guide to Women

1. A CAUCASIAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

2. IRISH WOMAN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

3. ITALIAN WOMAN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

4. JEWISH WOMAN:

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

5. POLISH WOMAN:

First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.
Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.
Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.

6. CHINESE WOMAN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.

7. INDIAN WOMAN:

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

8. BLACK WOMAN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

9. LATIN WOMAN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She is pregnant.
Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

Demotivational Poster: Performance

Looking at the numbers ....

Looking at the numbers, I fell off my chair. Right from the beginning, when he was hired, it was an accident waiting to happen. As it turned out, it was more like a disaster, if not a tragedy. Since coming on board, it has been downhill all the way. Talking isn't good enough. You have to deliver and in that aspect, he has failed miserably. Did he say he has twenty years plus of experience? Twenty years of experience is no better than one year of experience repeated twenty times. Need I say more? If he is that good he would have stayed in his last job. Today, that company is doing so much better. The results really speaks for itself, with him and without him. But then again, some people just don't learn. And this is the guy who boasted that he was headhunted by a Dubai firm for a million dollar job. Keep dreaming. Now, who has that last laugh?

You can get on with charm .....

Telephone manners. Some have them, some don't.

Saturday, 5.30 pm. The phone rings.

“Hello, The Bistro, how may I help you?”

“I want a reservation at 7:30.” a gruff cell distorted voice barks.

“How many in your party?” I reply sweetly.

“Two.” I can hear car horns honking in the background

“Let me see what’s open sir, one moment.”

“I want the table in the window. I’m a friend of the owner.” he says. (The reader will note the absence of the word please)

This guy is probably shit out of luck. The odds of getting a reservation at this late hour are slim to none. His only hope is a last minute cancellation. I look at the reservation slots on the computer screen.

There, shimmering like an oasis in the desert, is an opening for the best table in the house at the H-Hour of restaurants the world over, 7:30 pm. This guy is lucky. My finger moves toward the screen to begin entering his information.

“Hurry up I haven’t got all day.” the man snaps.

My finger stops in midair.

Getting in touch with my inner asshole I say, “I am terribly sorry sir but we have no tables available at that time.”

“Whadyya mean it’s not available?” the man practically screams

“The table has already been reserved. I’m sorry.”

“Well move them and give it to me.” the prick says huffily.

“I cannot do that sir. Perhaps you would like a reservation at ten o’clock. That’s the next available opening.”

“Put the owner on the phone right now.” the man yells.

“I am sorry but he is indisposed at the moment.” I reply.

“Give me his cell phone number then.”

“I’m so sorry but I am not allowed to give out that number.” I say unctuously.

“Listen I am a good friend of Flavio. Put him on the phone.”

The owner’s name is Fluvio. Some friend.

“Like I said he can’t come to the phone right now. Since you are his friend I am sure you won’t mind me telling you the correct way to say his name. F-L-U-V-I-O.”

The man abruptly hangs up.

Fuck him.

A few minutes later a very young man walks in the door holding some flowers. He wants to take his girlfriend on their first real “grown up” date. He asks if we have a table. He is polite, says please, and man he looks sooo nervous.

“How’s 7:30?” I ask smiling.

“That would be perfect.”

“I’ll put you in the window. Very romantic sir.” I say with a wink.

“That’s very cool thanks.” he replies gratefully.

Later they come in holding hands. She is thrilled with the flowers and the table. They order the cheapest entrees and suck down Cokes all night. They smile happily, talk in hushed tones, and look only at each other. I was the waiter. The tip was pretty bad. On the way out the girl slips her hand into the boy’s back pocket. Soon they are kissing on the street corner.

I watch them as I collect my meager tip. I am happy. Tonight this young couple will be making sweet love while the asshole on the cell phone explains to his wife why they are eating pizza.

All is right with the world.

2009 Chevrolet Camaro

Combining dramatic design and exciting performance, the Chevrolet Camaro Concept recaptures the spirit of one of the most popular sport coupes of all time and redefines the Camaro for new generations of fans.

The Camaro Concept embodies the performance and passion that have made first generation Camaros some of the most sought-after collector cars, updating the formula with a fuel-efficient powertrain, sophisticated chassis and contemporary design execution. The goal is to make the sport coupe relevant to younger enthusiasts while retaining its appeal to its current fans.

Got this in an email and thought I'd share.

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the r eply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. Sigh.

Will I live to 80?

Some times you just have to ask yourself " Will I live to be 80?"

I had a medical checkup recently and after some exhaustive lab tests, my family physician said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating,
fishing or relaxing on the beach?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a shit?"

Deja Vue

Sigh .... the duck drowned again.

Tsk, tsk ... just like watching a rerun of Perry Mason's "The Case of the Drowning Duck."

Ha Ha Ha .... I was that blonde!!!

I got this from a woman named Marianne in Costa del Sol, Spain

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

HA HA HA HA..... I WAS THAT BLONDE !!!!!!!!

Thanks for a Nice Flight

Licking the boss's balls

Chinese Sub Pops Up Undetected Near U.S.S. Kitty Hawk During Naval Exercise

An unexpected visit by a Chinese Submarine that went undetected in the middle of a Pacific Ocean Naval exercise and came extremely close to the U.S.S. Kitty Hawk, has American military chiefs looking for answers.

The sub was apparently able to slip past at least a dozen U.S. warships, two U.S. submarines and a vast array of advanced technology, which failed to detect it.

When the Navy deploys a battle fleet on exercises, they take the security of the aircraft carriers very seriously. At least a dozen warships are used to provide a physical guard, and using advanced technology they are able to detect and deter any potential intruders.

By the time the Chinese sub surfaced, the 50m. Song Class diesel-electric attack submarine sailed within viable range for launching torpedoes or missiles at the U.S.S. Kitty Hawk, a 340 m. super carrier with 4,500 military personnel on-board.

According to senior NATO officials, the incident caused a sense of sudden fear in the U.S. Navy, as officials realized the seriousness of the encounter. The U.S. apparently had no idea just how sophisticated China’s fast-growing submarine fleet had become, or that they even posed such a threat.

Analysts believe that China was sending a message to the United States and the West by demonstrating their rapidly growing military capability to threaten foreign powers that might try to interfere in their own “backyard.”

The U.S. Navy and Nato are now forced to re-think their strategy, and reconsider the level of threat posed from potentially hostile Chinese submarines.

Juche Girl on her handsome Great Leader

I am not into politics but I guessed this blog by Juche Girl makes interesting reading In one of her postings, she wrote about how handsome her North Korean Great Leader, Kim Jong Il is. Kim Jong Il (below), yes, that podgy short guy who is the North Korean dictator. She said, "Bush is ugly but Dear Leader is very handsome the most in the world." Grammatical errors left intact. That thread attracted 18 "rebuttals" which I thought were funny and hilarious. These are some of them.

Mel Reynolds commented, "Handsome? The guy looks pretty ugly to me. And he doesn't dress that smartly either (there's a picture of him in which behind him are a bunch of military people with him front and center wearing a coat that you could find in any American store.)"

Reader Shaken has this to say, "Dear Leader is very short, and getting pudgy. Is he getting enough exercise? Is he eating too much? It would be good for Dear Leader's health to share some of his food with the starving children in North Korea."

A woman reader Catherine remarked, "Ummm... you guys must have a different definition of "cute" or "handsome" out there in North Korea. Whatever America's problems might be, at least they know what a "cute" guy looks like!!!!!!!"

However the honors for the best bashing came from one DG who retorted, "Yeah, he's a real chick magnet! My great grandmother (age 102) agrees with you Juche Girl, although I must admit she has never seen him with her glasses on yet."

For more on Juche Girl, please log onto her site.

A Glimpse of Pyongyang, North Korea

Pyongyang is the capital of North Korea, the world's most secretive nation. It is still one of the few countries in the world where socialism is still practiced.

This city of 4 million people sits on the Taedong river and is the regime's showcase to the world. Government propaganda machinery portrays it as paradise on earth, a spotless city where the population enjoys the fruits of the Korean revolution.

In Pyongyang, the streets are spotlessly clean. One gets to see very little cars. The only modes of transportation appears to be buses and the subway. This is one city where monuments are aplenty and they are of monstrous proportions.

On board Air Koryo, the North Korean national carrier. Air Koryo flies Russian Tupolev planes.

Pyongyang International Airport

Pyongyang with the Taegun River in the foreground.

A 35 meter statue of the Great Leader, Kim Il Sung at Mansudae

Kim Jong Il inherited the dictatorship from his father, Kim Ii Sung when the latter passed away in 1994.

A Robotic Woman Traffic Cop.

There are no traffic lights in Pyongyang.

Trolley Bus in Downtown Pyongyang

Lone traffic cop in the middle of a major junction.

Probably one of the world's costliest architectural disasters, the Ryugyong Hotel.

Another view. 100 floors, totally deserted. Now a derelict.

Taedong Gate.

"Arc d' Triumph", only larger than the one in Paris.

A car going past the Arc d' Triumph! A rare sight indeed.

Worker's Party Monument.

The Jurche Tower.

Murals depicting North Korea's history.

Monument for Korean Unification.

Kim Il Sung's Square just like Tien An Men Square in Beijing only smaller.

Propaganda Billboard.

Metro in Pyongyang.

Boating in Taedong River.

North Korean children on excursion.

There are about 25,000 apartments on this stretch of road but no cars.

Another housing estate in Pyongyang. Again no cars.

Pyongyang Skyline with the Ryugyong Hotel standing up like a sore thumb.

A well known Pyongyang restaurant famous for cold noodles

Captured American spy ship on display, the USS Pueblo.

Koryo Museum, Kaesong.

Mausoleum of King Wang gon, Kaesong.

Thongll Street, Kaesong near Panmunjom.

Another view of an almost deserted street in Kaesong.

North Korean waitresses in a restaurant.

Royal Lunch in a Thongll Street restaurant, Kaesong.

Almost deserted highway from Kaesong to Panmunjom.